When it’s time to say goodbye

This past week has been a rather rough one for me and my husband. On Monday, we decided it was time to say goodbye to our lovely ginger cat, Alex. She was diagnosed with diabetes back in October, and since then, she’s really struggled. Though we had the diabetes under control, she was experiencing reoccurring bouts of pancreatitis, an incredibly painful condition. And so, it was time.

That’s Alex, hanging out in her favorite place this past summer. That’s how we’d like to remember her.

Since Monday, I’ve been thinking about many things, but most of all, time: how we use time, how we spend time, how we can’t turn back time despite wanting to so badly it hurts. In particular, I’ve been thinking about how I’ve used my time since this whole author thing happened, and if I’m truly honest, I know I’ve haven’t been spending it as well as I should. That really hits home when I wonder if I could have spent more and better quality time with Alex. Regret is such a bitter pill to swallow, because you can’t undo it – you can only go forward and try to improve, and that’s what I’ve vowed to do.

Because of that, I’m rethinking things. How can I best spend my time? I don’t have any hard and fast answers, but I do remember something James Hillman wrote about in his book THE SOUL’S CODE, about the importance of growing deep roots, of engaging with every moment, of being absolutely, positively present. When I’m online, I don’t do that. So, it’s time to see my computer for what it is: a tool I use to write. Nothing more, and that means I’m planning on spending more time living in the real world, and less time living online (I have many thoughts about this – they may end up in a story).

There are so many stories to tell, and so many stories to hear, and so many paths to walk, and so many gardens to plant and cats to snuggle and pieces of sea glass to marvel over…and we only have so many days given to us. I’ve promised myself to be more conscious of how I’m spending those days, and, to the best of my ability, to spend them in the best way possible.

It’s time to put this new way of being into action – no time like the present, right? As a result, I won’t be updating this blog as often as I have (which, admittedly, hasn’t been all that often) – I have stories to write! And the only way they get written is to put one word after the next.

So, it’s time to away. Because, to quote Rumi: “When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy.”

Wishing everyone that very same joy…

A little SHADOWS CAST BY STARS news

So! When SHADOWS CAST BY STARS grows up, it’s going to be a….paperback! I’ve been sitting on this for a while, but I saw that the paperback cover has gone up on the internet over the weekend, so I guess it’s official:

Nifty, huh? So, mark June 4, 2013 on your calendars, because that’s when this new incarnation of SHADOWS CAST BY STARS will be hitting the shelves!

Books of 2012, and looking ahead to 2013

Every year, I set myself a reading goal. For 2012, it was to read 60 books, and sadly, I didn’t make that goal – close, but no cigar. Part of that was because I was reading a lot of non-fiction, which I read more slowly than fiction. Another part was that I was reading a lot of writing craft books, and with those, I find I need time to read, digest, read, digest, make notes, go back, re-read, digest.

But, also, if I’m being real, I spent WAY too much time on the wrong things last year. I’m not a resolution maker, but I do think I’m going to make thinking about what I’m spending my time on a theme for 2013.

Now, as for the books I read last year, the following list represents the books I finished (as opposed to ones I put down midway through), and any book with an asterix (a star for those who get that!) is one I enjoyed. But, to simplify, my particular favs were:

ALAMUT – Judith Tarr
WHEN THE SEA IS RISING RED – Cat Hellisen
CHIME – Franny Billingsley
RIVER IN THE DESERT – Paul William Roberts
HALF-BREED – Maria Campbell
and, with extra stars, THE RETURNING – Christine Hinwood

This year, I’m aiming for sixty books again…so, we’ll see.

Now, onto the books I read in 2012!:

* HOW TO GROW A NOVEL – Sol Stein
THE MAID – Kimberley Cutter
* ALAMUT – Judith Tarr
ALCESTIS – Katharine Beutner
IMAGINARY GIRLS – Nova Ren Suma
SALTED: A MANIFESTO – Mark Bitterman
SAVING JUNE – Hannah Harrington
HERE LIES ARTHUR – Philip REEVE
THE APOTHECARY – Maile Meloy
WITCHLANDERS – Lena Coakley
* CHIME – Franny Billingsley
TEN CENTS A DANCE – Christine Fletcher
* THE WAND IN THE WORD – ed. Leonard Marcus
MORTAL ENGINES – Philip Reeve
THE GIRL WITH THE GLASS FEET – Ali Shaw
* A VERY LONG ENGAGEMENT – Sebastian Japrisot
* WHEN THE SEA IS RISING RED – Cat Hellisen
SNAP – Alison McGhee
THE GRAVEYARD BOOK – Neil Gaiman
GEORGE’S MARVELLOUS MEDICINE – Roald Dahl
WAY TO GO – Tom Ryan
THERE IS NO DOG – Meg Rosoff
THE RIGHT AND THE REAL – Joelle Anthony
* A COALITION OF LIONS – Elizabeth Wein
THE INVENTION OF HUGO CABRET – Brian Selznick
WOLF BLOOD – N.M. Browne
* THE WICKED AND THE JUST – J. Anderson Coats
* RIVER IN THE DESERT – Paul William Roberts
EXODUS – Julie Bertagna
* PLEASE IGNORE VERY DEITZ – A.S. King
* THE RETURNING – Chistine Hinwood (plus a couple extra **, because this was my fav of the year)
* DEALING WITH DRAGONS – Patricia Wrede
CONCEIT – Mary Novik
THE HIPPOPOTAMUS MARSH – Pauline Gedge
* HALF-BREED – Maria Campbell
HOW TO TELL A MYTH – Robert Walker
HOW TO TELL A LEGEND – Janet Stone
A REALLY GOOD BROWN GIRL – Marilyn Dumont
THE NIGHT WANDERER – Drew Hayden Taylor
WHAT’S THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING YOU KNOW ABOUT HORSES? – Richard Van Camp
SPIRIT GIFIT: THE CONCEPT OF SPIRITUAL EXCHANGE – Elmer Ghostkeeper
THE NEW PEOPLE: BEING & BECOMING METIS IN NORTH AMERICA – ed. Peterson & Brown
THE LONG JOURNEY OF A FORGOTTEN PEOPLE: METIS IDENTITIES AND FAMILY HISTORIES – ed. Lishke & McNab
BONE DANCE – Martha Brooks
AMELIA ANNE IS DEAD AND GONE – Kat Rosenfield
A MONSTER CALLS – Patrick Ness
* RELATIVES WITH ROOTS – Leah Maria Dorion
THE GATHERING: STONES FOR THE MEDICINE WHEEL – Gregory Scofield
THE BOOK OF THREE – Lloyd Alexander
THE CLOUD ROADS – Martha Wells

And, while I’m at it: a huge thank you to everyone out there for all your support this past year. Bringing SHADOWS CAST BY STARS into the world was one of the most challenging things I’ve ever done, and 2012, for me, was a year of struggle. It would have been a whole lot more struggly if it weren’t for the well wishes, kind reviews, and general support from my friends, readers, and family. Thank you so much for that.

And, before I go, today’s walk took me down to the oceanside, where I saw this beauty:

A Wintery Walk

Today, the DH and I went out for a hike, the first real hike we’ve done since I got sick back in the beginning of December. I’m still coughing and hacking, but the worst is over (I think, I hope!) and it’s time to get back to regular exercise – something I haven’t really been able to do since the summer, what with the Achilles issue and then the October cold/plague, and then, this December bronchitis yuck.

All of which has been a huge reminder that I need to take better care of myself. I often don’t realize I’m run-down until it’s too late and then…it’s too late. This, I think, will be my 2013 theme: taking care of self, so that I’m healthy enough to take care of everything else. (And on that note, I am pathetically, entirely, and completely behind on everything – the cold plus two very sick cats who have required constant nursing has wreaked havoc on my ability to get anything done in the month of December. Apologies to any and all who have been affected by this…)

So, on that note, two photos I snapped while walking:

Blackberry on snow:

And Morrell Lake:

Happy almost 2013, everyone. Wishing you all a safe and prosperous New Year…

Updatery: the Late Night/Early Morning Edition

So. It’s been a rough couple of weeks here at Chez Knutsson. Our lovely, beloved Alex kitty has been gravely ill, and last week, we were certain it was time to say goodbye. However, cats being the amazingly resilient creatures that they are, she’s rebounded, thanks to the equally amazing care from Alex’s veterinarian. But, it’s been a challenging time as we continue to learn to manage her diabetes (she was diagnosed back in October) as well how to juggle all the other medications that are allowing her to heal from the past week’s crisis.

Add to that a wicked chest cold, and, well, I’ve been down for the count. Today was the first time I’ve been out of bed in days, but due to a nap this afternoon, I’m wide awake when I should be sleeping. Not the best way to heal up, but…*shrug* As my husband is so fond of saying, It is what it is.

Maybe it’s the time of year, or maybe it’s because I’m getting ready to dive back into revisions on my middle grade project, but…I’ve been thinking. I’ve been thinking about what I write and how I write it, about why I tell the stories I tell, about what I hope to gain from those stories, about what I hope to share with those stories, and about the life a story lives once it’s left my hands. But, most of all, I’ve been thinking about why the stories I’m called to tell need to exist to begin with. I’m not sure I have any answers, but maybe answers aren’t what I need. Because thinking leads to questions, and questions, to my mind, are what open paths. Answers, I sometimes think, close paths. Though, that’s what I’m thinking tonight. Tomorrow, I might change my mind.

What I do know is that I’ve come up with a little mantra, once that I was first introduced to when I was doing some horse work with Jodine Carruthers. I’ve been horse-crazed all my life, but my relationship with the horses I’ve encountered hasn’t always been easy. That unease came to a head a few years back when I took a position at a stable and found myself way out of my element – not because I didn’t have the horse skills I needed, but because horses have a way of making us n look at our shadows, and I was hiding from mine. I knew I was in a bad place, and I needed help. So, I went to work with Jodine and her horses, and Jodine introduced me to the concept that story has no place with horses. They don’t care about your history, or why you are the way you are. They just see you as here, now. That’s a strange concept for a storyteller. I mean, I have a running narrative in my head all the time – either my own story, or the narrative of the stories I’m working on. (My brain is a busy place.) So, learning to stop, to be, and to be here now was really hard. And, it’s still a work in progress for me–a balancing act, perhaps, as I learn to allow story to be my work, and not be my all.

Horses aren’t part of my life these days. That’s a bit of a sore spot, but it is what it is. Someone once said that you can have everything you want in life – just not all of it at the same time. Now is the time without horses. I have other work to do. But, I still have the lessons I learned from the horses I’ve known.

Be here, now. That’s what they’ve taught me.

Those are the words I’ve been living lately, taking one day at a time, each moment as it comes, because really, there’s no other way to do this living business.

Be here, now. Tomorrow, I’m applying those words to my writing work.

Be here, now.

Be here.

Now.

Revising? Then check out “Fix-It Fridays”!

My good friend, Shari Green, has been running a Fix-It Friday feature on her blog, and today is my day to share a revision tip! Check it out here!

And, while you’re over there, I highly recommend checking out the other Fix-It Friday posts – lots of great stuff from great writers.

When serendipity strikes

(dunno why, but in my head, Julie Andrews was singing the title to this blog post…)

So. I am a believer in serendipity. I am not always serene with serendipity, but I do believe that things happen when they supposed to. Though sometimes, the things we need most drop into our laps at the oddest times.

I’ve had such a happening. Yesterday, I went down at our local Métis office as I’m starting to research a new project and I’m having a hard time finding the right research material. So, I thought they might be able to help me out. I got to talking with the woman at the office about some stuff that’s going on right now, and she said to me: You haven’t read HALF-BREED, have you?

HALF-BREED is a book by Maria Campbell, a renowned Canadian scholar of Métis history and culture. I’ve known about HALF-BREED for years, as it’s one of the most widely taught books in Canadian literature, but for some reason, I hadn’t read it. Time to fix that. I sat down with it last night, and drank it in, laughing sometimes, and crying sometimes, and sometimes, both. Every reason I had for writing SHADOWS CAST BY STARS is in this book. Much of my own story is in this book. Much of Cass’s is, too.

After I finished reading HALF-BREED, I spent a bit of time reading about it. Here’s one of the things I came across, published by the First Nations Drum newspaper:

Campbell says that throughout this suffering she was sustained in spirit by her Cree great-grandmother Cheechum who gave her confidence in herself and in her people, confidence she needed to survive and to thrive. As a child she dealt with discrimination from both whites and full-blooded Indian neighbors because of her Metís, or “half-breed” heritage. Halfbreed recounts the first thirty-three years of her life and depicts the discrimination and racism she and her people endured. In the introduction to that book, Campbell says, “I write this for all of you, to tell you what it is like to be a Halfbreed woman in this country. I want to tell you about the joys and sorrows, the oppressing poverty, the frustrations and the dreams.”

And, from the very last page of HALF-BREED:

For these past couple of years, I’ve stopped being the idealistically shiny-eyed young woman I once was. I realize that an armed revolution of Native people will never come about; even if such a thing were possible what would we achieve? We would only end up oppressing someone else. I believe that one day, very soon, people will set aside their differences and come together as one. Maybe not because we love one another, but because we will need each other to survive. Change will come because this time we won’t give up. There is growing evidence of that today.”

I’ve been meaning to write about being Métis for a while now, and will, one of these days, when I feel I’ve got the right words to express what I really want to say (that old adage of two ears/one mouth has really struck home lately). Until then, if you’re interested about Métis culture, history, and what it means to be Métis (and what it means to be human!) in all its facets, then this book, in my opinion, is a very good place to start.

My heart feels very open this morning, even thought it’s raining there. This is what I know. Sometimes, this is all I know.

I wanted to include a photo with this post, and when I went looking through the ones I have, this is the one that seemed right, so here it is.

Give a little bit…

To the tune of “I’ve been working on the railroad”:

I’ve been working on my website (yes, I sang that out loud!), and I’ve been thinking ’bout things!

Things like the stuff in this video, which I can’t embed for some reason, so here’s the link. Trust me: it’s worth watching, especially if you’re feeling the need to find a little hope these days.

Awesome video linky!

Yep. This. So much this!

(Also, what’s with the scuba gear, dudes?)

Hope everyone’s had a great weekend….peace out!

Teen Authors Tell All!

Well, look howdy, Lower Mainlanders! (Please read that sentence with a western drawl…) See that poster up there? Five awesome YA writers, all in one spot – how can that not be excellent? So, if you’re in the neighbourhood, come on by & chat with us! We’d love to see you!

In which I post an update about things that need updating

Reasons why I have not updated my blog recently:

1. I’ve been sick with a rotten, horrible, yucky cold. Still coughing, but the worst is over, I think. I hope.

2. Despite Le Cold/Plague, I’ve been working on finishing up my middle grade project. The latter half needed a complete rehaul, and, in my typical fashion, I had to wait and wait and wait for the solution to show up. Finally, it did, and I rewrote that latter half in four days. This is how I operate. I don’t suggest anyone tries it.

3. Fall has finally arrived. I love fall. I am happy. Later today, I’m going for a walk in the rain, and I might swish leaves.

4. I’ve got some SHADOWS CAST BY STARS related-news, but I can’t share….not yet. But, soon, I hope!

5. Next week, I’ll be visiting Timberline and Carihi high schools in Campbell River, and doing a signing at Coho Books, and also meeting up with a local librarian to discuss setting up some teen programming. Exciting! Nervous-making, but also, exciting!

6. Updates will continue to be scarce, because once I’ve handed the middle grade project off to my eyeballers and agent, I’ll be diving into rewrites for my Scheherezade-inspired project…which looks nothing like it once did, but that’s good.

And on that note, here’s a little Scheherzade of the Rimsky-Korsakov variety, just because! Enjoy!